When a ski season goes wrong

With only a few days to go until the end of the trip, we are in Hanoi just going a bit mad shopping for stuff we won't like when we get home.

Anxious to maintain our 'responsible tourist' integrity however, we headed off bleary eyed at seven this morning to catch a glimpse of the embalmed Ho Chi Minh. Actually we didn't get up specially, but got straight off the night train from Sapa. He's only available for appointments in the morning and we just knew we weren't going to get up otherwise.

The building itself is an imposing mausoleum. Very communist. As we moved along the hellishly long queue to get inside, a respectful quiet fell over the mourners and japanese tourists. Once in the chamber of death, as it were, four stock still soldiers guard the body in repose. Ho is bathed in a dull red light, which I think is supposed to make him look less dead, but just adds to the spooky air.

And yet I, half way round the room, started to laugh. For all the pomp, I just couldn't stop the picture in my mind of him suddenly jumping up and going 'Waaaaaah!!!'

In the meantime, I am posting a totally unrelated photo, for the sole reason that I believe it is the only existing picture of me in a group of adults, in which I am the tallest. Yessaah.

After three months learning the joy of air conditioning in tropical climes, it can be a bit of a shock to the system to go up to cold northern Vietnam. I offer here some handy tips to make the transition easier.

1. Fool me once, shame on the BBC. Fool me twice, shame on me. Don't fall for their tricks a second time when the website says it's 28 degrees!

2. Buy lots of Summer clothes in Hoi An. While the initial disappointment of realising that you cannot wear your new clothes is a shame, it does mean that you must remove all heavier items of clothing from your bag to make room for the new purchases. This practical step will mean you arrive in Hanoi wearing several layers of suitable clothing.

3. Take an overnight bus north. While on the bus, sit in the front row, and make sure the driver leaves the doors open for the duration of the trip. The freezing blasts of air which keep you (and him) awake will duly prepare you for Hanoi. You may wish, like the other passengers, to sit demonstrably huddled under your batik print cloth, but the driver knows you don't mean it! No pain no gain!

4. Come prepared, with 'Kag in a Bag' windbreakers from Millets, practical and Stylish. To really set off the look, try matching colour and style as closely as possible to your partner's. Bruno and I feel that our matching 'kags' really reflect our 'we're engaged!' bloom of youth! I'm not embarrassed.

You will now be accustomed to the cold, and waste no time putting on a woolly jumper under a hoody to go out the next day. Imagine how warm you'll be when you realise that the BBC double tricked you, and it is indeed suddenly really hot! How you'll laugh!

As we move through Vietnam to the north, we're slowly getting settled in. The route even takes us past some lovely beaches.

More and more however, I'm getting the impression that we're just not welcome. If the mosquito attacks are anything to go by, this is an all out ambush.

And these things are not normal mosquitos. They're Viet Cong Guerilla mosquitos. They are indestructable! You can clap your hands round one, and when you open them it will just fly away, cocking back it's giant mutant head to laugh in your face. You will also have a bite on your hand. One mosquito that hovered mockingly as I sat helpless on the loo, I nearly didn't swat as it was so big I thought it was a normal fly.

One night we had so many mosquito coils and DEET spray in the room that I thought I was going to vomit. But despite this, and the mosquito net, and the layer of clothing, they had a party on my blood. It was like the birds against Tippi Hendren, all I could do was lie there going 'aaaaaaaaaaaah!'

Not Bruno though. How many bites does Bruno have? None. Just one or two I could understand, but he has NONE. I think he may have made some kind of devil pact with the mosquito bandit leader. I realise I should be pleased that the man I love remains unscathed, but he doesn't have a SINGLE BLOODY BITE. Or the need for rabies injections.

I'm beginning to think we do not have a fair and balanced relationship.

As our travel plans now revolve around being near a hospital on the days I need my Rabies injections, we have ended up in Saigon a bit longer than anticipated. Not ones to waste time though, we took the chance to go and see the famous Cu Chi tunnels, 60km outside Saigon.

These are a vast network of underground tunnels built by Viet Cong guerillas during the war. With so much of our knowledge of the Vietnam war coming from American war hero films and the like, with scant reference to Napalm etc., I was looking forward to getting a perspective told from the other side.

And lo and behold, a lifetime of biased information was balanced out in one 20 minute communist documentary film. This film is shown to all visitors, and consists of footage from 1967 with a newer English language voice over. Here are some examples:

Scene: Man runs round laying landmines all over the place.
'This fighter knows exactly where to place the mines so that only the enemy will be killed.'

Scene: Ten year old boy with AK-47.
'This proud fighter has a hatred for American bullets and bombs. He loves peace. He has already won three awards for killing Americans (sic). HE IS AN AMERICAN KILLING HERO (sic).'

Scene: Young girl with AK-47.
'This little girl is just a simple peasant. She loves peace. Like crazed devils (sic), the Americans dropped bombs on her village. They killed her father. Now her heart is filled with hatred and revenge. She has already killed many Americans. She loves peace.'

No word of a lie.